Hi again! I missed probably a handful of weekly updates, so I figured it was time to check back in. How’s everyone doing in day 1482 of quarantine? Oh, has it not been that long? The days and weeks have all run together. I’ve lost track of how many times the stay home orders have been extended. The beginning of quarantine feels like months ago (oh wait, it was) yet I still feel like I will look back with some bit of regret. Did we take enough bike rides? Did we play enough games? Why didn't I find the time to organize every inch of my house or finally organize all my digital pictures? How much time did I waste riddled with anxiety or thinking about things I can't control?

This is weird. And confusing. Anyone else feel confused? With conflicting news reports, it’s no wonder we don’t know what we’re supposed to do. Over the last few weeks we’ve heard it all. Stay home. Gather in groups less than 10 - but use distancing. Go out with precautions. Wear a mask. Expose yourself. We need to develop herd immunity. We will need to social distance for years. Each day it seems one expert will readily contradict another. Certainly each is entitled to his own opinion, and everyday laymen certainly express plenty of their own as well. I think the only thing that’s clear is that nothing is clear. How are we to decipher whose opinion we use to guide our decisions?

They say hindsight is 20/20, and I have no doubt there will be plenty of looking back on 2020 in the years to come. We’re already looking back on early predictions now that we have actual data. But how accurate is the data? Many have spoken out regarding questionable classifications of Covid cases and deaths. A heap of uncertainty moving forward remains. With questionable data, even hindsight can’t be 20/20.

Quite honestly, I’ve spent the last few weeks on a roller coaster, figuratively of course. I’ve been ready to get back to life outside these walls one minute, and ferociously washing my hands the next. As someone who is normally not an anxious person - I’ve been accused of no less than 2 panic attacks. I live by go with the flow. But when literally nothing is flowing – my mind apparently doesn’t know what to do.

As I mentioned before, writing helps - I think because it’s something I can control. In times of stress, I think it’s important to always find the joy. I’ve found joy in redecorating my house, watching my kids play in the sunshine on the trampoline, and not wearing a bra to church. Do something you can control, that makes you happy. When you can do very little else, do that.

Some days are better than others, and some is easier said than done. This week has been better, but last week was particularly hard. I’m doing my best - but sometimes it’s just not enough. Jon was concerned I wasn’t acting myself. And it really got me thinking - how could I be? Is it really that surprising that I’m not acting myself in the midst of a global pandemic? Will anyone actually emerge from this situation exactly the same as he once was? Probably some, but decidedly not all. Things are not okay. I am not {always} okay. Given the circumstances, can we really expect anything else?

As we move forward, focus on flattening the curve has seemed to shift to finding a cure. And as communities across the nation begin to reopen, a theme seems to be emerging of returning with caution, not fear. We’re facing a new normal. While I think everyone can recognize the importance of reopening our economies, concerns over safety quickly turn to political debate. At some point I think it turns into matters of personal choice. For me, quite honestly, my anxiety stems from a concern over hindsight. What will I be comfortable looking back on? What can I do to get back to some semblance of normal, without becoming part of the problem? In a world as clear as mud, let us move forward with compassion, understanding, and acceptance. We are not all the same; and we are not all {always} okay.